With nothing better to do than wait, I curled up on my mattress and tried to sleep, but peace escaped me. My breath came just shy of a pant, and I shivered and tossed, unable to get comfortable. It was the night before the ritual at Miss Aura’s manor, the one before the trip to the auction-house all over again. My mind spun, splintered visions of possible futures dancing in my thoughts. Formal council. I tried to imagine what Mister Valentin meant by that, but I could barely force my thoughts to follow a single thread. Scattered images flashed before me, of Miss Datsia’s frown, of Mister Dion’s unctuous smirk, of my brother Justik balancing my father’s sword in his paws, of my master’s smile. My eyes went to where the shield and spear hung on the wall; in the approaching darkness, the polished steel looked like iron, and the green enamel was almost black.
Breathe, Taneh, I reminded myself, forcing myself up onto my knees. My heart pounded in my chest and blood pulsed in my temples. Find the lights. Locate the lights inside, the lights all around you. My chest rose and fell raggedly, air whistling in my muzzle. Just a pet, just an animal. What happens to you is your master’s responsibility. Yours is to serve, to do as you’re told. I closed my eyes and lowered my head. One… two… I drew in a shuddering breath, then slumped forward. By six, I felt my shoulders relaxing. At nine, my paws were no longer shaking. On twelve, I inhaled deeply, then released, focused on the dancing, flickering lights. Twelve lights.
Thirteen… fourteen… No more flickering motes appeared, but I continued to count as if they could, sinking further into myself. Soon I had forgotten how many lights there were, and began counting them again, and again. My heart stilled and my breathing eased. In and out, over and over. The sky continued to darken outside the meager windows, and the room sank into shadow. The mattress beneath me began to fade, as did the walls around. Only the lights remained. Twelve lights, and I, flickering as I let myself sink away from awareness. Breathe, relax, and obey. I was ready.
A loud bang pulled me mostly out of my reverie. I opened my eyes to see my master, backlit by the witchlights in the parlor, the door against the wall. His face was a mask, with his ears flat against his head and his tail brushed out behind him. He stood rigidly at attention, though his stiff formal jacket hung limply on him as if wilted. His eyes met mine, then looked me over, his upper lip curling. “So much for following orders.”
It took me a moment to think back to the last words he had said to me, before sending me to his room. As soon as I remembered them, though, I came fully awake, my ears reddening sharply. “Sir.” I ducked my head and moved my paws to between my legs, but the guilt I’d pushed aside before came back to me. My muzzle went dry when I tried to swallow. “I was, sir, but I…” I bit my lip.
My master dropped onto the edge of the bed and pressed the pads of his paws to his eyes. “Forget it. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters.”
I put my paws back on my knees. “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t think I could, but I was so eager, and I—”
“I said forget it, pet,” my master repeated. Then, a moment later, he leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. “I thought you needed help with that, or have you been lying to me?” He sneered the word “help,” glaring down the length of his muzzle.
“No, sir!” I blurted. “I just… I don’t know how it happened, sir.” My voice wavered and I lowered my gaze. “I… I disappointed you, sir.”
The baron fell back against his bed with a groan. “I’m getting quite used to disappointment. You’re just one more source.”
The words hit with me the force of a slap. “I’m sorry, sir,” I whimpered. “Please, allow me to make it up to you.”
I started to rise, reaching out for the waist of his pants, when suddenly the baron was on his hinds again. “Stop!” His paw rose in a backswing, and I cringed, lifting my paws to shield my muzzle, but he pressed his fingerpads to his forehead. “Great Family, don’t you ever stop? I swear, you’re as bad as Datsia! I can pleasure myself, thank you! I don’t need your help. I don’t even want your help!” He spat the last at me, clutching his head in his paws.
I ducked my head and swallowed hard. “Did the council go well, sir?” I asked timidly, hoping to change the subject.
The baron was silent for several seconds. “Barony Jazinsk has rendered their decision.” My master’s voice was completely hollow. “A state of aggression exists between them and Barony Deterikh, for crimes against nature.”
I hung my head; the tension I had pushed aside came home in full force. My chest seized; the air inside me felt like lead. “You couldn’t stop it?”
The next moment, stars sparked to life on the side of my face. I tumbled to my side, clutching at my muzzle, too shocked for a few moments to realize how much pain I was in. “Damn you!” the baron howled. “Comets and dust on the lot of you!” The kick that followed landed in the middle of my chest, sending me flat to the floor, gasping for breath. “I’m sick of it! All of it! I’m sick of all of you!”
I fought to get air back inside of me. “Master, I—”
The baron stomped down on my stomach, dropping his full weight onto me, making me gag and cramping my chest. “Great Family, will you just stop!” Another kick slammed into my side, knocking what little wind I had recovered back out of me again. “You keep pushing and pushing and you don’t stop!” His voice rose to a shout with every blow, adding his anger to its force. “Is this what you wanted? Is it? Answer me!” His toeclaws gouged at my cheek when his hind hit me again. “I’m never good enough for you or I’m never wise enough or strong enough or blessed enough and I’m sick of it! All I want is just to be left alone and you just won’t stop!”
This was no corporal punishment; this was a beating, merciless and savage. His words struck my ears as he kicked me over and over, head and chest and legs. “I’m sick of being told what to do! All of you! You, and Datsia, and Valentin! This is my barony! Mine! I’ll do what I want! Whatever I want! However I want! I’m sick of you making all the rules and telling me I’m not good enough! Sick, do you hear me! Answer me, damn you!” Blood poured from my cheek and pain blistered all over my arms and chest. I opened my muzzle to cry, to beg, to say anything that would make the pain stop, but my master wasn’t listening; he was too busy screaming as he rose back to his hinds.
The baron dropped to his knees, bringing his elbow down on my chest. I tried to scream, but there was no air in my lungs. I clutched my arms to my chest, struggling to breathe, and then the baron drew back, his fists clenched together. “I’ve had enough!” His paws slammed square into my muzzle, and I heard more than felt the crunch beneath them. My entire head went cold and fire crawled under my skin. Copper coated my tongue. I tried to open my jaw, but something caught and pain split my head, bringing tears to my eyes. A low whimper was the only sound I could make, accompanied by feebly batting at my master’s arm.
Several seconds passed while I waited for the next blow, but it never came. “Great Family.” The words left my master’s muzzle in a low, awful whisper. “I—” He rose to his hinds, blood dripping from his claws. The fur on one of his hinds glistened. His voice shook, his eyes wide, staring down at me. “Taneh, I—” I heard one hindfall, then another, as he backed away. “Oh, Koshki, I’m sorry, I’m… I’m so sorry, I… V—Valentin!” Then the wolf turned, crying out for his sergeant-at-arms, while I clutched my shattered world in my paws and tried not to exist.
(shudder)