Child of Man: Chapter 8, Part 1

Alex woke from dreamless sleep, shuddering, his muscles shaking reflexively, trying to generate heat. His clothes, jeans and a professional button-down shirt, had done nothing to protect him during the night from the heat-leeching effects of the ground beneath him, and despite the still-crackling fire that Watcher had tended through the night his entire body felt as if it had been carved from a single block of ice. He forced himself to yawn, to try to get his thoughts moving again, but his brain felt reptilian, sluggish and unresponsive.

He half-dragged, half-pushed himself up onto his knees, stretching out the kinks in his knotted tendons and hoping that the movement would help restore the flow of blood to his extremities. He couldn’t feel his fingertips, and his ears burned from the cold. He rubbed at his arms, the stiff hair raised into gooseflesh. With a groan, he hauled himself to his feet, forcing himself to stumble around the firepit, trying to restore his circulation.

A soft whine echoed the grunts of pain that escaped him, and he looked down to see Shadowdance, sprawled near the firepit, batting at the air in his sleep. At least someone’s warm, he thought, eyeing with envy the wolf’s heavy coat of fur insulating him from the frigid ground. The bear-mind, starting to respond again, chuckled lightly.

Alex held his hands out over the fire, until his palms started to itch from the heat, then rubbed them against his exposed skin, trying to transfer the warmth. After ten minutes of that, he started to feel more awake, less like a quivering statue, and he yawned again, dispelling the last of the sleep from his mind.

His stomach growled, and memories of the salmon he had slapped to the bank of the river in his spiritscape so many times rose up, amplifying his hunger. He looked again at his hands and sighed, shaking his head. Now was not the time for reminiscing, or for self-pity. He needed to find food. Watcher might be able to help him with that, suggesting things that, while probably not palatable, would at least be nourishing enough to get him back to his car so he could go buy breakfast somewhere, maybe at a roadside restaurant somewhere back along the interstate.

How far was the car? Was there enough gas in it? Could he even find it again? The bear-mind tried to admonish him for asking questions he couldn’t answer, but he ignored that part of his brain, the gravity of his situation and the disappointment of the night before weighing heavily on his thoughts. Here he was, the only Child of Man stuck with a bunch of shapeshifters, in the middle of a declared disaster area, potentially on the run from police, almost certainly wanted for questioning about his apartment’s spontaneous combustion. By now they’d probably found his car and impounded it. Wouldn’t being caught in the middle of a forest fire do wonders for any claims to innocence? What was a good arson sentence worth these days, ten to twenty without parole?

Alex forced his arms to his sides, clenching his fists, ignoring the churning in his stomach. He realized he’d been pacing, walking a tight line back and forth, across the fire pit from the still-sleeping Shadowdance. His chest felt tight, and his breath came in short bursts. He stopped, looked towards the dwindling flames, leaned his head back and drew in a deep breath, trying to focus on the lingering rainstorm scent of the smoke and the slight burning in his lungs as they expanded, even as the butterflies danced in his stomach. Then, out again, noisily exhaling. In through the nose, out through the mouth, he reminded himself. Tense, then relax. When it seemed unlikely that either his guts or his panic would attempt another coup, he lowered himself down to his knees in front of the ring of stones surrounding the fire and bowed his head. Great Mother, he thought, keeping his breathing regular, his pulse and the crackling of the fire loud in his ears. Even if… if You won’t have me… I am as Your cub. I ask not that You show me the way out of this, but that You give me the strength and courage to find my own way free. The prayer seemed silly, given his painful self-discovery, but the familiarity helped, even if the words themselves left him cold.

He continued his slow and steady breathing, focusing on the flow of air as it whistled in his nose and rasped in his throat, letting his mind empty of every thought save the silent supplication to Bear and the steady rhythm of his own heartbeat. All else faded into insignificance, each worry or doubt brought to the forefront of his mind and then dismissed with a mental wave of his paw. The knotting in his stomach eased, his back and shoulders truly loosening for the first time since he’d awoken. He unclenched his hands from their fists and rested his palms against the bare earth, feeling the hard ground beneath them, the warmth of the fire against his forearms.

Alex rumbled as he rose, wiping the dirt from his pawpads as he stood on his hinds. A brisk wind blew down from the mountain’s peak, and he basked in it, his shaggy pelt rustling. For several moments, he basked in the air, arms outstretched, catching as much of the air as he could in his fur, feeling it whip around him, listening to it whistle in his ears. Behind him, the entrance of the cave called to him, and he trundled towards it, the scents that clung to the rocks within comforting his soul.

The interior was dark, but he knew the way like he knew his own skin, and his feet carried him surely forward in the near-black. A great sow, his dam, rested at the back of the cave, rumbling in her sleep, and he pressed himself against her side, her heavy coat of fur a blanket over his own. Her scent covered him, filling him with peace. In the coming months, he knew he would need to leave, to find his own place, but for now it was still a great joy to be by her side, basking in her warmth, and he let himself drift back into sleep, surrounded by the great bear’s presence.

Alex jerked his eyes open in the tent, leaning heavily on his hands, the fire’s heat uncomfortable against his skin. Several times, he blinked, as if clearing sleep from his eyes, but he felt wide awake. A dream? A vision? A smile spread across his face, and the bear-mind smiled with him. Worry about what you can change, he told himself, and let the rest happen on its own. For now, breakfast needed to be his first priority, and his stomach rumbled in agreement.